I think I counted about 25-50 jobs in a ten year period. Unfortunately, the problem with jobs persisted. This was based on my income at the time which was $0.00. It was my place and everything in it was mine! The apartment was subsidized by HUD and the rent at the beginning was $3.00. I turned it down at first, but then reconsidered given my options. Then one day my counselor reached out to me and said "I think I might have found housing for you." It was a tiny one-bedroom apartment with no amenities. There was so much animosity, we were butting heads all the time. I did not get along with my parents while living with them. I got another apartment for just under a year, and then moved back in with my parents again. I lived with my brother for a while, before moving back in with my parents. At 24 I was on a bit of an upswing, so I upgraded my apartment, but then fell flat on my face and had to move back in with my parents. It was the first time I had ever lived my myself, outside of the brief time I did when I was in college. And I lived all over the place: with my parents until I was 23, then I got my own apartment. I'd start, then I'd get fired, sometimes for reasons not even disclosed to me. I applied for social security twice, and was denied twice. My life spun out of control going down, down, down to the eventual bottom. The definition is confusing, but basically, to me, that means you are more prone to depression vs. In 2000 I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder II. I had so much anger in me that it prevented me from enjoying myself, enjoying my life. That summer after my senior year was the worst summer ever.
My senior year of high school, I started developing depression and PTSD from all the bullies back home in California. I've never really started going like we did when I was a kid again. Eventually I just got so sick of it, I stopped going altogether, for multiple reasons. We went to a different church every week, searching for the right fit. When we moved to Oregon, there were surprisingly no bullies. There were a few seniors that were teaching us to ski. On the slopes, I was all by myself, never having skied before. On the ride up, I sat next to the pastor who told me I was talking to him too much and asked me to stop talking. My mother insisted I go, in fact, most of my Christmas presents that year were for skiing. In the winter of 1989, my freshman year in high school, our church took a ski trip. Youth groups were always hard because of my social anxiety and general awkwardness, but moreover, they were composed mostly of the same kids that picked on me and made fun of me at school. I've had a hard time with churches my entire life. Eventually the bad consumed the good and left me with a lot of bad and uncomfortable feelings. I saw so much good and so much bad at my church.
But like most children I learned to mute it out after a while.
I had the benefit of being born into a good Christian home. I said the prayer many times confessed my sins many times asked for forgiveness about a million times, but it wasn't until I was 41 that I learned to surrender, and truly have faith like a child. It wasn't until many years later that I really became a Christian. How could I have understood what all that meant? Faith like a child. She said, "all you need to do is ask Jesus to come into your heart." Three years old.
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